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How To Bite a Mosquito Back

It’s summer and the mosquitos are biting you everywhere. I know that you are hating it. You wouldn’t have clicked this link if you enjoyed the pain.

It’s time we did something about it. Here are the top ways to bite a mosquito back! It’s time for humanity to fight back against this terrorism. Whether you’re a gamer or just a regular member of the world, this is a common problem that plagues us all!

So sip your stupid Starbucks coffee if you’re a moron (read my opinion on Starbucks over here) and try to enjoy this important article.

Mosquito Mouth Trap

The most effective trick is the mosquito mouth trap. I purposely put it first on this list because it is my #1 top recommendation.

There are a few steps. Please take note:

  1. Take a knife and cut your finger (or anywhere else that bleeds)
  2. Drip some of the blood into a cup
  3. Put the cup in your mouth
  4. Stand outside and wait for a mosquito to go inside the cup
  5. Bite down on the cup when the mosquito lands inside
  6. BANG – The mosquito is bitten! Good work!

This is an incredible trick. It’s easy. There’s no overhead cost – aside for the price of a cup, a knife, and the medical bills.

Warning the Mosquitos

Mosquito Toy

A trick that I have found very effective is the mosquito warning system. It works the same as a normal warning system but it’s just better – and with a mosquito.

It requires you to buy a mosquito toy and run around the yard showing the mosquitos what will happen to them if they don’t go away.

The harder you bite the toy mosquito, the better this whole technique works.

The mosquitos won’t understand what is going on at first, but after a while, they will realize. They will understand that they will also get bitten if they hang around. It is quite a genius technique overall.

If this trick doesn’t work, I’d revert to the other techniques… But I can’t imagine the mosquitos ignoring the lesson…

Bite -> Bite Back

I feel that this illustrative title has already described the whole picture, but I will explain a little bit more for the benefit of my stupid readers.

Sit inside the house and stick your arm out of the window. And wait.

As soon as mosquito comes nearby, begin to prepare your jaws. I find that jaw-exercises work very well for this. As soon as the mosquito bites you, bend over and bite it back.

This may take a while to get good at. Don’t expect to be able to actually bite the mosquito on the first few tries.

Critical Note: Due to the UN’s Rules Of Engagement, you will have to wait for the mosquito to bite you before you bite back. DO NOT engage with the mosquito until you feel actual pain from the initial bite from the mosquito. These rules also apply to computer games. You can read more about it in my Call of Duty: Mobile Review. Only read the review if you have superior intelligence.

Mosquito Camouflage

Mosquito Costume

I like this technique – and even though I’m sure that it will work just fine – I have to admit that I have personally never tried it before!

But it should work. The math is solid on this one. Everything lines up. I’m certain that it will work!

There are a few steps. Make sure you do them all in the correct order:

  1. Purchase a mosquito camouflage costume
  2. Put it on
  3. Sprinkle some blood on your belly so that the other mosquitos know that you’re a good biter with some serious biting experience
  4. Hang out with the other mosquitos
  5. And then BITE THEM as soon as they put their guard down!

This may take time. Be prepared to spend a few days outside.

Play Hard to Get

playing hard to get with mosquitos

This is a novel approach and one that I think most phycologist will agree with.

Instead of using an actual object to lull them into a sense of safety, this technique will require you to use mind-games to want them to have you bite them.

Start off this process by going outdoors and making an announcement to all the mosquitos. Inform them that you “don’t want to bite them” and that you “don’t even want to be their friend”.

At first, they will ignore you, but give it a few days of continuous shouting and they will begin to start paying attention.

Soon they will want to become your friend so badly that they will agree to let you bite them.

And BANG you bite them. And then BANG you slam the door in their face and let them know that you never wanted to be their friend in the first place.

Final Thought

Inspiration for this article came from the tweet that went viral recently.

If you enjoyed this article, feel free to read my opinion on Starbucks. Read with caution. I’m opinionated…

Or you can just read my article in which I decide which is more important: Real Life or Gaming?

Real Competition

The best person to reenact the tips above on YouTube will get a $250 Amazon Gift Certificate. Warning: You can’t use real blood or kill real mosquitos! Use #MarksAngryReview and #MARChallenge so I can find you. I’m the only judge so that is that!