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Starbucks vs. the Kettle

You are probably sipping on a Caramel Macchi-expensive-o while your reading this article, and in that case, these words are probably going to be wasted on you. Here goes nothing. Jerk.

Do you remember the good old days? Not quite as far back as the dinosaurs, but not quite as recent as geeks and pokemons running amok in Central Park. The days when a coffee was brewed with a kettle.

Yes. A kettle.

I’ll take a moment away from this rant to explain how coffee used to be made.

How to make a coffee

Boil the water. Add two spoons of coffee into the cup. Add hot water.  If you desire, add milk.

That’s the directions. That’s it. No need to watch a tutorial on YouTube. No need to Google it. It’s as easy as brushing your teeth.

Starbucks Craziness

And then the world went down the drain and we entered the Rise of the Planet of the Idiots. And instead of making a coffee like a normal human being, we have to fancy it up like a bunch of left-handed hippies.

Did the old coffee taste bad? Heck no. It was delicious.

Was it hard or time-consuming? Again. Heck no. It took a minute.

Was there any special skill sets involved? Seriously. If you could pick your nose, you could make a coffee.

How Did it Happen?

So what happened? How did a coffee store that sells coffee (that tastes more like ash than beans) make it so big?

Marketing and stupid people. That’s how.

And like most popular products in today’s culture, once it gathers steam with the right crowd, it could do no wrong.

If you added a nugget of gold to each coffee cup, the price would still be outrageous, and yet the lines flow out the door.

The Starbucks Crowd

And when you finally arrive to order your coffee, you’re greeted by a mopey face with more artwork etched on him than a public urinary wall, and instead of feeling the insult you’re somehow expected to feel flattered that you’ve been given the time-of-day.

Don’t get me started on the jewelry these fine human specimens usually wear. Those large earrings that stretch the earlobe have your heart jumping every time you look at it.

The kicker is the way he introduces himself, asks you what you want, and then follows the question with a burst of completely incoherent options that would make High-Elven seem like your mother-tongue.

Anyways. You order your pathetic cup and then you’re redirected to another counter to wait in silence while the magic occurs.

Why can’t they just give me a stupid cup over the counter? I don’t know. I’m still trying to work this one out. I’m still not brave enough to ask the delicate creatures behind the counter for the rationale.

Instead, you are herded off to another counter, and wait like a 16-year-old at the DMV, as they pour the smokey black brew into a tall overly-skinny cup that looks like a preschooler’s failed art project.

While you wait, you somehow need to ignore the judging side-stares from the classy patrons typing viciously on their Apple laptops.

I think that I’ll take a one mocha-make-my-own-o coffee at home instead. Thank you. I don’t need Starbucks. I’m a grown up and I work for a living.

Summary of Why You’re an Idiot if you Buy from Starbucks

  • Make it yourself you lazy jerk
  • Don’t pay a few dollars for something that shouldn’t cost more than $0.50 at most
  • Don’t support the holier-than-thou culture that Starbucks cultivates
  • Their logo is dreadful
  • It tastes dreadful
  • We speak English in America, not Starbuck-o
  • The food that they sell tastes dreadful
  • If you drink with a hippie, you’re probably a hippie.

End Rant.

Video of geeks and pokemons running amok in Central Park